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I was devastated and stunned to learn this week that a member of the travel blogging community, Anita Mac, took her own life.
Anita was an avid supporter of our blog, sharing our work, commenting with valuable insight, encouragement and support. I enjoyed our conversations and her upbeat, positive outlook on life.
When I first heard, I had to double check I had the name and person right because Anita never seemed to be anything but loving her life.
We all wish we knew more about what was lying underneath her smiles and happy demeanor. I really liked and appreciated her as a person; I wish she knew that.
Going back through her twitter stream, I noticed an update a few days ago that said, “Sometimes I just feel so alone..this is one of those times.”
I wish I saw it. I wish I could have said something to help her know she is not alone, that we all struggle and fear and feel pain. And even though I’m on the other side of the world, I can still help.
I wish she knew no matter how desperate something feels, eventually the light comes.
Help others to feel they are not alone
The one thing I have learned from life is that we are never alone.
There is always someone going through a similar difficult, or a euphoric time. Our struggles, experiences and lessons are not for us alone, they are for us to share so that we may in some way help another person.
We share our life on this blog and on Mojito Mother, not just the great things, but the struggles and challenges too.
We tend to focus more on the good, not because we want to hide the bad, but because the good is where we get the most joy. It’s the good that keeps us hoping and dreaming and if we are not hoping and dreaming we don’t have much.
But that doesn’t mean that underneath our life of travel are not moments when we feel like the world’s biggest failures and we hurt badly.
In fact, I felt like that most of the time for the past 3 years. I wrote about it in my last newsletter when the fear and sadness became too much and I let the damn walls burst into a flood of tears.
The community reached out, “Your newsletter really helped.” “It came at the right time.”
It’s comments like this and “It made me realize that you are human also, “and “I feel better knowing I’m not the only one that has messed up.” and “I’m inspired and feel hopeful that I can now rise above my challenges.” that keep me sharing no matter how vulnerable I feel in the process.
We share because we want you to know you are not alone, and no matter your challenges, you can overcome them.
We want you to know that we understand your pain and suffering [and your joy] your fear, your insecurities and the impact of the fists that you can continually beat upon yourself.
We want you to know that pain has a purpose and that you are powerful beyond measure and can handle the shit that life throws at you. If we can help more people understand they are not alone, they may not feel they have to leave life prematurely.
I know what it is like to sit at the edge of a brick wall facing the tumultuous river below wondering if you are worth it and if your life will ever get better.
You are and it will.
Don’t fear the darkness
I think we are told that the goal of life is happiness and if we can’t find it then all we have is sadness and a life not worth living.
This is a wrong pursuit.
Happiness is an emotion, just like anger, sadness, and joy. They come and they go, and they serve lessons to help us evolve.
Our emotions, good and bad, are signals as to what we need to do next, or what we need to learn. We don’t need to cover them over, run from them, or desperately search to find them. We can just accept them for what they are and allow them to walk in and out of our lives.
Here’s a poem I love so much from Rumi, which explains it,
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty it of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
The dark shadows are not as frightening as we perceive them to be and if we just go into them a little bit, we’ll find the light.
When you find it, it is brighter than it ever was before, and you’ll discover an inner strength and peace you never thought was possible.
It makes me so sad to know so many people suffer from sadness and feeling alone, so much they feel they are not worth living.
Everyone is valuable and worthwhile and has a beautiful life only meant for them. Please know this and understand it does get better.
Reach out more
If only we all stopped pretending we had it all under control and we accepted that it’s okay to not be perfect.
If only we reached out a little more to those around us to check how they really were beneath those smiles.
If only we shared more and whispered words of encouragement, acknowledgement and praise.
If only we said things more like:
“OMG. Don’t worry, I am probably the world’s worst parent because I have no flipping idea what I am doing. Let’s just help one another instead of trying to make it a competition.”
“Hey, you want to do this with you life? Awesome. I don’t understand it, but I believe you can do it.”
“I know you are hurting right now. I understand what the darkness feels like. You are not alone. Let me help you.”
“You are so valuable and so loved.”
Say kind words to others. You just never know when they might need to hear them. Nobody needs to walk alone and feel they are not worth their hopes and dreams.
I’m so sorry Anita. I am really really sad you are gone.
R U OK Day
R U OK Day is happening on 12 September 2013. It’s a national day of action dedicated to reminding people to regularly check in with family and friends.
Reach out to those you know to see how they may need your help. You just never know what is lying underneath those smiles and positive outlooks. If you are in Sydney or Melbourne and would like to volunteer contact [email protected]
I too was shocked and saddened when I heard the news! Although I didn’t know Anita well, it struck a chord within me.
I read her last blog post and shed some tears. I’ve been in a similar place and could relate.
I so wish that it had turned out differently for her and my heart is with her family and friends right now.
Very well written post and I love that Rumi poem. It’s beautiful.
Thank you Cheryl. I think it is so important to view our emotions in this way. The poem makes it easy to understand
What a beautiful post, Caz, and all of it true. Being Norwegian, I feel it’s a bit emo or maybe even prententious to quote books and films, but I find this quote from the novel Cloud Atlas so true:
“Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”
The poem you recite here is equally beautiful, if more people didn’t feel this immense pressure to be perfect and be happy all the time, maybe less of us would feel like we’re failing at life…
I think it’s great that more travel bloggers are posting about how their lives didn’t turn perfect the moment they quit their job and got on a plane.
Thank you for sharing.
I love that quote. Thank you so much for sharing it. I’m a bit of a quote collector. They help keep me focused and inspired. This one is so perfect.
So sad the world lost her. The one thing that traveling has taught me 100% is that we are definitely not alone!!!
Never. We are all so similar. There’s not a person in the world who has not gone through troubling times. I’m still so shocked by it because she really did always seem so happy and positive.
I only heard of Anita’s passing today and it is a true tragedy.
We travel bloggers feel as though we know many of each other even though we have never met. To lose one of our own is a real heart wrench.
Lovely article Caz. It is indeed true that you should always have kind words for people. You never really know what they are going through.
You just never know how your encouraging and thoughtful comment just might stop a person from hurting themselves. Something so simple can be so powerful
I didn’t know Anita very well, but I did get to meet her at an event before TBEX this year. She was so kind and generous to me, and even invited me to meet up with her if I was in Ottawa (which I unfortunately was not able to do). Like a lot of other bloggers I’m was completely shocked and saddened (still am) about her death. I think it can be easy for people to read a blog and assume that person has it all, especially when it comes to something like travel, but there is always more to a person than what’s on a screen, more beauty and sometimes more pain. Like you I wish I would have seen that tweet or her last blog post and been able to reach out before it was too late. I love your point about reaching out to other people. We need to not be afraid to reach out to others and offer our help, support, and kindness, and we also should not be ashamed to ask for help or to feel vulnerable, because we’re all human, and we all make mistakes, but we’re all in this life together.
I so agree Alouise. It’ so important that we reach out and let each other know more that we all struggle and face challenges. If you see that other people can find their strength to overcome them then it helps you feel you can do the same.
Obviously, Anita’s personal issues remain unknown to us. But I have certainly wondered whether – despite all the positives lof iving a life of travel – whether it is just an elaborate ruse to keep me from facing my own stuff. I know it is said “wherever you go, there you are” yet, really, the entire planet is a theme park! With whirly-gigs and spinny jigs, exotic flavors and untold savors! Perhaps all of it can be the ultimate conspiracy of distraction? Perhaps.
It could very well be. Maybe that is why I don’t stop travelling too! I think the travel has helped me to face myself more though.
Thank you for writing this. It’s good to know you’re not alone when you’re hurting. I’ve been going trough hard times the past months, but I’m on my way up now. And even though it won’t all be up from here all the time, it’s nice to know I’m at least not on my way down anymore. Two steps forward, one step back. And it’s important to accept that one step back as a fact of life, instead of battling it. I know all will be fine, because I’ve been down before, and came out stronger than before. It’s really nice to hear you’re not alone, because at times it feels like everybody is living their dream and having fun (blame Facebook I guess ;-)) and you’re just alone petting your cat feeling sorry for yourself, ha. I wish people would be more open about the pains they are feeling, it would enable people to help them. I didn’t know Anita, but I wish she would’ve done. But I guess we live in a society where it isn’t really accepted to make your hurt publicly known. That should change. You are making a change with this post.
I love reading your posts Caz, you’re always so honest, and that is a very courageous thing to do in the internetworld. If you ever feel alone or not worthy, know that at least this one person loves and values the things you write. So ‘just keep swimming’ 🙂
What an awesome comment. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I agree that people should be sharing their pains more. I think we choose the avoidance of shame over the power of vulnerability and that doesn’t help anyone.
I think facebook needs to carry a lot of the blame 🙂
Really great poem Caz, thanks for sharing.
Thanks Ian. I really do love it. It’s so uplifting about the negative stuff.
I was so sad to hear about Anita.
Your post Caz is so heartwarming and you’re right, too many people feel alone and as if their lives don’t matter. We all, or so many of us, wander through life thinking that others are doing it (life) better and we dare not ask for reassurance because we think we suck so much at living. It’s only with age that you can even begin to understand that those you most admire have equally as many problems of their own or are paddling so fast beneath the water it’s untrue. Happiness is just an emotion, but in many ways it makes our crazy world go round. If there wasn’t so much pressure to be constantly happyand we didn’t feel we were owed it, perhaps we would be more content. Fabulous post and so much wisdom Caz 🙂
Thank you Jo. I think you do see things with different eyes the older you get. I also think it is important for others to read biographies of successful people so you can really see the struggles they have gone through. Reading that Richard Branson blew a deal that lost him $500 million made me feel so much better about our half a million loss 🙂
Reading this post made me cry. When i discovered what happened the other day, i had a very strong reaction. I didn’t know Anita at all, but i know very well the feeling of despair and loneliness. I’ve been there, and the pain can sometimes be overwhelming. Sometimes we are able to cope with that, and we come out stronger, but we always, always need a hand to help, a word, a hug. The difficult part of it all is that when you are really down you feel ashamed, as society doesn’t allow you to be weak, Is not cool. We keep our smiling mask all the time and by doing that we are just harming ourselves even more. Reaching for help is one of the most difficult thing to do, but you said something really right: we don’t need to be perfect all the time. So true, our strength lies in recognize our weaknesses and try to overcome them, one by one. We may fall infinite times, but we need to stand up again. Unfortunately Anita thought there was no way out, and even if i don’t know her i feel so sad for what happened. Especially because i know that even when everything seem to be dark, there is always a light. You just don’t see it, but you need to believe in it. We could stay here for days, but life goes on, and we can’t turn back the clock. What we can do is, try to learn to be more open, less scared of our weaknesses and less afraid of what people may think about them. From my experience i know that if you reach for help, you will be surprised on how many people out there are ready to give you all the support you need. In my case, i came out from that dark period of my life stronger and that’s one of the reasons why i decided to leave everything to travel the world. Did it help? indeed, but problems and shadows will follow you in every corner of the world. I need to accept it and carry on, trying to fix problem as they come. There is no escape, i always tell my friends, when they think i decided to travel because i wanted to escape from problems. There is no such thing. It’s even more challenging to face your own ghosts while traveling, but if you manage to do that, you’ll be a better person. At least i hope! We all have our moments, is the way we face them that make us or break us.
Such a great comment Kle. I think travel presents such an amazing opportunity to face your shadows because you remove a lot of the judgement and expectations from those around you and society. You can figure out who you really are and want to be. But, many people are so frightened to face the ghosts that they keep running. And as you said, there is a lot of strength that arrives when you defeat the monsters. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment
Such inspiring words Caz. The loss of Anita is a shock and my heart is with her family and friends.
I guess with the internet we are now exposed to other people ‘highlight reel’. We read Facebook status’ and blog posts that highlight the positive in people’s lives which can make us compare and feel like our lives are a failure in comparison.
I try to write about the realities of travel on my blog, including loneliness. Even though I am lucky to travel it does not mean that I am happy 24/7 when travelling. Travelling alone can be extremely hard but also extremely fulfilling and life changing.
Hopefully the R U OK day will help people in need. x
I think the highlight reel is such a great way to put it and such a dangerous thing to focus on. No wonder we are all so confused, feeling down and lonely, we’re trying to be like someone else’s highlight real, that is only a five minute reflection.
Thanks for the positive and inspiring post and the beautiful poem.
A fan from Tehran, Iran.
And Rest In Peace Anita
Pleasure Issa and thank you
This is the so sad. I heard about Anita and remembered that she had commented on our Instagram a couple of times. She was so engaged with this whole community. I can’t believe how sad she must have been. Poor thing.
I never really spoke with her, but I can’t seem to get her off my mind now. It’s so important to check in with your loved ones. Life if tough and we all have our sad moments. I just wished some of us could have helped poor Anita… 🙁
This message can’t be spread enough. It’s so important that we talk with eachother through tough times.
I really like this post, this is a really great resource for travelers and others who find it hard to open up when struggling with something. While in New Zealand, I barely ever wrote or messaged people back home, and I never spoke about the times when I was struggling with loneliness on the road and other emotions I wasn’t used to.
I s badly just wanted to have people think I had made it, that I was living my dream and everything was great, that it had very bad adverse affects on my mind and emotions.
People really do need to know that being open with yourself and others who love you while on the road is paramount to making it a healthy journey.
Thanks for the share!
I think the more we open up to each other the more we feel less alone. I know how much it has helped me with parenting. I often think I’m the only parent who has children who don’t sleep, eat, and throw constant tantrums. I start feeling like a total failure until other parents share their struggles with me and then I realize it’s just a part of parenting. Just like any struggle is a part of life. This too shall pass and we are all strong enough to overcome the bad stuff.
I wish Anita could have read this, of course, but also have a sense of belief (for no better way of putting it) that someway, somehow, she has on some level.
I never knew her, one of my biggest disappointments in the last few years has been to not be able to make it to a TBEX and meet other bloggers… it’s never fun feeling ‘left out’ and connecting online is not the same as getting to meet in person. Anita touched so many lives (up close and in person) and left such a positive impression of her spirit (so many say how supportive she was of them, how fun to be with) it is hard to understand what happened.
I’ve dealt with serious (as in hospitalization when younger) depressions but cannot see that in what she was going through (major illness that needed medical attention), it’s almost like something just overcame her and she decided to move on with her life elsewhere. I hope she has found something of what she was seeking, and is in peace.