My heart ached a little when I read it:
And then, my last day in Bali, I thrust my backside up and my head down into downward dog to start off another Vinyasa flow. I had spent the hour before class sipping a smoothie and listing the pros and cons of different choices, a favorite exercise of my anxiously logical former self. And then I let myself open up and simply see what the universe was telling me….
…That was it. A trifecta of nudges, the universe calmly but surely telling me what was next: my intuition knowing that I need a little lightning in my life.
I’m moving to New York City.
My aching heart had nothing to do with the fact that Christine Camorose is moving to New York City (I’m actually over the moon for her), but everything to do with the fact that I know I can’t do a downward dog and receive a message from the Universe and then go with it just like that.
It’s not that I don’t believe that is the way we should receive our answers in life and then act upon them. I really do. I believe the Universe does send us notes every day and steers us on our destined path. I know it does for me.
It’s just that I miss being able to get those answers and then act confidently on them immediately.
I can’t because I have children.
And with that comes a hundred questions, a thousand doubts, a million complications.
Even typing this that little voice inside my head shouts, “That’s B.S Caroline, that is totally your fear talking. You can do anything you want. If the Universe is providing the answers it’s because it knows you can do it and you’re meant to.”
I absolutely agree.
But that doesn’t mean the questioning and the doubts go away. When you have tiny hands tugging on your pants and reaching out every minute of the day for you to feed, clothe, bathe, provide for, protect, and love then you know that every decision you made comes attached with a weight of responsibility.
A responsiblity that runs so deep and wide you know one bad move could alter the direction of the life you created and love with an ache that can never be described or understood until you have your own.
I was a travel-on-a-whim girl; a girl who trekked through jungles, drove around on the back of African pick up trucks with the local villagers, was kidnapped on the back of motorbikes in Indonesia, and arrived in major cities without a cent to my name.
I know I can do all that:
Be brave. Be daring. Take risks. Break the mould. Light my life on fire and all the rest.
I just can’t make it that simple in my life anymore.
We still travel with our children.
We find a way to make it work for us and we’ll never give it up. We’ll never tell other families to not do it or to ignore the notes from the Universe and allow fear to comatose you.
But I know that I can never have the freedom of impulsive decision-making again and sometimes that hurts.
Travel while you are young.
Travel while you have no responsibilities.
Don’t ever stop travelling, but start it from the point of youth.
Experience that wild freedom. Know that you can follow your heart, your passion, and those voices telling you to pack your bags and move to that exciting city or country.
It’s not as scary as your mind would make you believe.
Really, when you are young what responsibilities do you have? You don’t have to worry about little tiny hands, adoring eyes and a sweet little voice calling you Mumma.
All you have to worry about is learning and exploring and growing.
Figuring out your place in the world. Running with it. Sharing and loving on a whim.
Don’t think you’ll have time later, because things happen.
You don’t want those feelings of regret to seep in.
If only I… I wish I did it when I was young… Now I have the children to worry about… the bills to pay…
It does get harder the older you get and the more you put it off.
I don’t have any regrets. I started travelling straight from University and I haven’t stopped. I now get to share the world with my children and there is nothing greater.
But from time to time I do miss that wild freedom that comes with youth.
When all the doors open wide for you, and all you have to do is listen to which one the Universe tells you to walk through.
And you walk confidently through without a second thought.